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::: Metatron Quotes :::

You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar!

Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves.

Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the faces you people make mid-coitus.

Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it?

Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.

Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existance would do well to cover their ears right about ... now.

Metatron: Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark, all you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New ]ersey?
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: (mumbling into glass) Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Damn, this is good tequila?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

Bethany: What's he like? God?
Metatron: Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.

Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same.

(Angels have no genitalia.) See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. In the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So a very inebriated Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.